Friday Follies: “You might be a gun nut if…”


— by Lee Williams —

You might be a gun nut if:

You occasionally forget your spouse’s birthday or your anniversary, but you can accurately recall the time, date and place of every gun show scheduled for the next two years within a 150-mile radius of your home.

The last time you bought jewelry for your wife was at a gun show, and yes, the earrings were made from spent brass, but she said she loved them.

You used to buy ammo by the case, Hoppes by the pail and targets by the gross. Now, you buy ammo by the box – when you can find it – Tums by the pail, aspirin by the gross and whiskey by the case.

You have two types of camouflage clothing: one type is for hunting and the other you wear for more formal occasions.

If your front door suddenly bursts open and zombies cascade into your home, you’d have to quickly decide which locked-and-loaded zombie gun to grab. This 1-2 second delay concerns you.

You spend at least five hours per week organizing and reorganizing the contents of your gun safes.

You have more than six gun safes.

Your friends are sick and tired of helping you move your damn gun safes.

You would never even consider driving through a state that doesn’t offer reciprocity for your concealed carry permit. You drive around.

You’ve lobbied at least one lawmaker about the need to create a state holiday for Opening Day of Deer Season.

You can only name about 20 of the 50 state capitols, but you know exactly where each state stands regarding gun rights and the Second Amendment.

The one word that best describes your wardrobe: “tactical.”

Once, about seven years ago, your wife accidentally spilled a glass of soda on your favorite concealed carry pistol, which was one the coffee table where it belongs. You’re still not completely over it. You’ll never forget what happened, but you’ve forgiven her. You’re working through it. Time heals all wounds, they say.

NRA’s member services occasionally calls you for advice.

The last time you missed a local gun show your absence was noticed and discussed. People assumed you were either dead or hospitalized. Your wife got at least two sympathy cards and one betrothal.

Your favorite color: flat dark earth.

You get miffed when you hear a news reporter say “clip” when they mean “magazine.” Silly journalists – what do they know about guns anyway.

You have at least seven different colored paracord bracelets, one to match each day’s ensemble.

You have seriously contemplated writing-in “Charlton Heston” on at least one presidential ballot.

The national ammunition shortage is putting a strain on your marriage.

The amount of money you spend each month on range fees and ammunition is slightly higher than your mortgage payment.

Your wife complains you spend too much time online, searching for ammunition. She used to complain about a different type of online search.

When your friends discuss a movie, you immediately recall the guns used by the main characters. If there weren’t any guns in the movie, you don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, and you certainly don’t care. John Milius never made a movie without guns, except for “Conan” of course.

All of the “nice things” in your home were purchased from the NRA store.

You enjoy discussing the subtle differences between an RPD, an RPK and a PKM.  However, the cashier at 7-11 wishes you’d just STFU, grab your smokes and leave PDQ, because there are people in line behind you who are like WTF?

You’ve always been a huge fan of Ted Nugent, but you just recently learned he’s a musician too – evidently quite a good one.








About Author

Lee Williams can’t remember a time in his life when he wasn’t shooting. Before becoming a journalist, Lee served in the Army and worked as a police officer. He’s earned more than a dozen journalism awards as a reporter, and three medals of valor as a cop. He is an NRA-certified law enforcement firearms instructor, an avid tactical shooter and a training junkie. When he’s not busy as a senior investigative reporter, he is usually shooting his AKs, XDs and CZs. If you don’t run into him at a local gun range, you can reach him at 941.284.8553, by email, or by regular mail to 1777 Main St., Sarasota, FL 34236. You can follow him on Twitter: @HT_GunWriter and on Facebook @The Gun Writer.

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