DISCLAIMER: This article is satire, which the United States Supreme Court in Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell determined to be protected speech. Any similarity between the fictional events depicted in this fictional article and any shooting instructor or instruction method is purely coincidental and unintended.
Recently, I sat down with myself for a Q&A about my revolutionary new shooting method: The Gun Writer’s Gunfighter Focused Gunfighting System Method (TGWGFGSM).
Lee asks: Please tell us about your new The Gun Writer’s Gunfighter Focused Gunfighting System Method.
Lee answers: The Gun Writer’s Gunfighter Focused Gunfighting System Method harnesses the shooter’s dynamic chi — their elevated aliveness or internal energy that only occurs during an actual gunfight, and then allows them to quickly escape death.
Lee asks: That sounds kind of nebulous. Can you please explain further?
Lee answers: Gladly, but only if you pay me $500 and take my class. Then, I’ll explain everything in much more confusing and psycho-babbley detail.
Lee asks: How did you develop the TGWGFGSM?
Lee answers: It took years of exhaustive research, hundreds of bottles of good dark rum and several meetings with my financial planner in order to come up with this unique, one-of-a-kind, extremely lucrative shooting system.
Lee asks: Can you document a student’s performance using your system?
Lee answers: Absolutely not! For far too long traditional firearms instructors have been concerned with trivialities like a student’s accuracy or improvement. My system harnesses dynamic chi that only occurs during a gunfight. Therefore, outside of an actual gunfight, there’s no way to prove whether the techniques I teach actually work. More importantly, there’s no way to prove that they don’t (work).
Lee asks: Do you teach your students sight alignment or sight picture?
Lee answers: (Laughs) Of course not. Nor do I teach any of the other old-timey fundamentals. My students shoot with their dynamic chi — only — which is why I wear a lot of Kevlar during the classes.
Lee asks: Do you have any kind of baseline or standard that a student will achieve if they take your course?
Lee answers: Well, if they take my class and, once their check clears, they’ll be able to keep a five-shot group well within the confines of a standard BSB target from a distance of five yards.
Lee asks: What’s a BSB target?
Lee answers: The BSB target is a proprietary part of the course. I call it the “Broad Side of the Barn” target. It’s a piece of cardboard that’s 60-feet long and 30-feet high.
Lee asks: What kind of background do you have that allows you to develop such a unique shooting method?
Lee answers: Pass.
Lee asks: Pass?
Lee answers: Suffice it to say I’ve listened to Barry Sadler’s “Ballad of the Green Berets” over 750 times. That should be more than enough.
Lee asks: What have other instructors said about your new system?
Lee answers: Well, they haven’t been kind, but none have ever taken the course. They’re just jealous, I guess. They clearly don’t get me, man. I’m too revolutionary.
Lee asks: What does the future hold for The Gun Writer’s Gunfighter Focused Gunfighting System Method?
Lee answers: Expensive swag, marketing gimmicks, franchising of instructors and lots of YouTube videos of really cool stuff, you know, ‘cool guy shit.’ It doesn’t matter whether the techniques actually work. It’s more important that they look really, really cool.