Now that one man’s hankering for bat gumbo has quarantined the entire world, I thought I’d pass on some proven pro tips for working from home.
1. Breakfast beers are okay — There’s nothing wrong with beer for breakfast as long as they’re consumed in moderation. What constitutes moderation? Well, I use the Rule of Threes (i.e. 3, 6, 9 … ). Of course if you prefer 4-packs of tall boys, you will need to adhere to the Rule of Fours (i.e. 4, 8, 12 … ). This is sciency stuff.
2. Your workstation should be clean, comfortable and easily defensible — Don’t let your guard down just because you’re working from home. I recommend a good rifle/pistol combo with at least one edged weapon per workstation at a minimum. You can tamp down the numbers a bit if your home arsenal contains belt-fed options.
3. You can have bacon with every meal, but — If you like bacon with every meal, and who doesn’t, I recommend switching up the presentations, (i.e. bacon and eggs, bacon sandwiches, bacon and ham, bacon pizza, bacon and beef jerky). That way the menu planning never gets boring or repetitive.
4. Be nice to vegans — Working from home is especially difficult for vegans, because they’re unable to tell someone every 20 minutes that they’re vegan. Everyone in the home already knows their grazing habits. Keep this in mind and be kind. Vegans are odd but gentle folk.
5. AirPods/EarBuds are a must — I keep my AirPods in my ears all day long. That way, when the wife approaches with the honey-do list, I point to them and whisper, “I’m on an important call.” Meanwhile, I’m listening to music or gun podcasts. So far she hasn’t caught on.
6. Accept the fact you now work for your dog — My typical day now consists of walks, treats, feedings, playtime and roughhousing. I try to fit my work schedule in between dog-related events. It takes a master planner. So far, this is still a work in progress.
7. Take constructive breaks — Everyone needs to walk away from their computer at least once an hour, but this is not the time for lawn mowing, laundry or housework. This is break time. Use it constructively. Reorganize your gun safe for the hundredth time, clean a rifle or re-sort your ammunition. Breaks are supposed to be fun. They shouldn’t be drudgery. View this as “me time.”
8. Have work t-shirts and shorts, and lounging t-shirt and shorts — I have specific t-shirts and shorts I wear while I’m working, and other t-shirts and shorts I change into once the work day is done. This helps with goal setting. This is important. This is a #ProTip.
9. Cover up the camera on your computer with duct tape — When the boss wants to have one of those intrusive, un-American Skype or Zoom calls, the first thing I do is cover the camera. Sure, they get suspicious, but, so far, they’ve bought my explanation that there must be something wrong with the software. This alleviates the need for me to shave or get rid of bed hair.
10. Unfollow anyone on social media who posts about anything healthy — Along these same lines, I recommend unfollowing anyone who posts about healthy quarantine eating habits. First, how do they know? Have they ever been quarantined before? Doubt it. And secondly, they’re probably just some kind of communist.